What do you do when you lose someone you love?

Well, for the Christians, that is a simple question to answer. They turn to their god for comfort and guidance. But for those of us who do not believe in any sort of higher power, where do we turn? The answer to that, while it may seem simple (it is a one syllable word, after all), is really hard to comprehend.

We turn to us.

I am a really independent person. Whenever I have a problem, more often than not, I just do everything in my power to fix that conflict on my own. It’s not easy at all. We’re all human, and therefore we are all prone to err. We do it quite often.

Do you know how it feels to have the weight of all of your problems on your own shoulders? Do you know what it feels like to have nowhere else to turn but into yourself?

Many times I really wish that I could go back to Christianity. While I don’t agree with the politics and belief system of the religion, as a Christian I enjoyed that feeling that there was someone or something watching over me. I enjoyed that comfort and security.

But, alas, it’s not going to happen. Someone told me one time that it was easy to go back, all I had to do was put my faith in God. It is too late, though. We walk away from things and people in life that no matter how much we want to, we can never go back to them. That’s the situation here.

I walked away from God almost two years ago. It started out as a hatred, the kind of thing that every Christian has at some point in their lives (why would he let something like this happen?). Then, subconsciously, I felt like I needed more grounding for my beliefs, and so I searched out every contradiction to the aspects of the religion that I could find. It worked.

Yet, it hurts. I cannot go back to the religion, because I feel I’m not that weak. I have backed up all of my beliefs solidly in my mind, and therefore, I honestly cannot even dream of placing faith in God anymore. And at times like this, everything is harder than I ever could have imagined.

Back to my original question, what do you do when you lose someone very close to you? Well, I guess I just have to tough it out and play it by ear. Take one day at a time. Just wait and see what happens. I lost someone that I really love, and it is going to take a while to get over that. God cannot help me, because I do not even believe in him. So I have to help myself. I have to believe in myself.

I just wish it were a lot simpler and easier than that.