‘Twihards’ suck like fictional vampires


“Breaking Dawn part 1,” the fourth installment of the “Twilight Saga,” was released at midnight last night to sold out crowds everywhere. 

As a movie theatre employee who has worked all but one of the “Twilight Saga” midnight releases, I absolutely dread the releases of these movies.  Not because of the movies themselves but because of the fans. “Twilight” fans are bat-shit crazy. 

Let it be noted that I realize not everyone who is a fan of the “Twilight” movies is a “Twihard” (obsessive “Twilight” fan according to Urban Dictionary), but those who are push the limits of insanity, and I have come across my fair share of them.  

Over the years, it has become obvious that “Twihards” are either delusional or lack logic. First of all, it seems that none of them are familiar with the definition of “fiction.” To clarify, it means this book series is not based on real life; it’s made up. Vampires and werewolves do not exist nor is it possible for any of you psycho teenage girls to marry Edward Cullen.  

However, teenage girls are not the only ones lusting after the characters of this franchise. I recall during the release of “New Moon,” a 45-year old woman telling me that Taylor Lautner, who was barely legal at the time, was “yummy.” Yes, I will admit that these movies have some attractive actors, but that’s the type of claim that can earn you a meeting with Chris Hansen on “To Catch A Predator.” 

For the love of God ladies, get ahold of yourselves!

Another issue I have with these “Twihards” is the whole Team Edward vs. Team Jacob thing. Anyone who has read the “Twilight” books knows that Bella chooses Edward. In fact, not once in any book or movie does she choose Jacob over him. So why the hell is anyone even having this debate? It doesn’t make sense. 

I’ve raised this issue with fans before and they all say it’s a debate over whom she should choose. I have two problems with this. 

One, the story is already written. No matter what you say, Stephenie Meyer won’t go back and rewrite the story so she ends up with Jacob, so give it up. Two, neither of these guys present a healthy relationship option. You have Edward, the ancient and obsessive stalker who is always tempted to kill Bella, or Jacob, the jealous guy with explosive anger issues. Yeah, great choices right there.

Sadly, no matter what I or anyone else says, “Twilight” fans will remain as psychotic and obsessive as ever. The rest of us just have to wait until summer when the final film is released and pray that the extreme fandom dies with it or that for mysterious reasons the entire franchise disappears from the face of the earth by the end of the month. 

I’m hoping for the latter.