Funny Thing About Life

David Haut

David Haut

I shouldn’t be admitting this, but I love infomercials. I do. The bulk of my TV viewing is late-night infomercials. I wish I were joking.

I was watching TV late one night, watching Ron Popiel peel potatoes with his miracle Rotato. I thought to myself, I think that would come in handy. And guess what? I got a free gift too, a potato julienne slicer. I’ve used it once, to peel an apple, just to see if it worked.

I have a Quick Slice, a Euro-Sealer, a Safety Can and a George Foreman grill. When I was 13-years-old, I went up to my mom asking for a Ronco Food Dehydrator, and gave her the toll free number. I told her, call in the next 10 minutes and they’ll deduct one payment.

I tried to order a Miracle Blade 3, but my credit card was maxed out. I debated with myself, should I get the Bowflex or the Total Gym?

I use OxyClean and Orange Glo. I have the Hands Free Cell Phone Car Kit and the easy bacon maker. I’ve thought to myself, I want a vacuum sealer that can crush 48 cans.

I have a pancake flipper and a Bose Wave Radio. I have a Grip Wrench Pro, but it’s still in the box.

I have a Handy Stitch, but I can’t figure out how to get the thread in the bobbin. And, I think I was the first 18-year-old to buy Super Blue Stuff.

I am a retailer’s dream. Why? Because I’m lazy. I like cool stuff that makes my life simple. I could really use a chicken roaster. I want a juicer that can suck oil from a peanut.

I think the place they always get me is on the free gift. It’s always the same now, but they used to be pretty good. Now they always give you the EZ Slicer with everything you buy. It doesn’t make sense. Why do I want a slicer with my Super Shami Car Wash Kit?

I always love how they try and sell the products by making them safe for kids. Yeah, kids will love the flip fold, for the first week. What they’ll really love is a vacuum that can pick up a bowling ball.

I love infomercials. I love The Sharper Image. I would love to be rid of this addiction.