Funny Thing About Life…

David Haut - Managing Editor

David Haut – Managing Editor

Perhaps lately you’ve noticed a car driving directly at you while you’re walking across a crosswalk, going through the parking lot or walking on the first floor of Webster Hall.

Lately, it appears a lot of people here at Southern have been victims of hit and runs.

Well, maybe I should say near hit and runs.

I’ve been approached by several different people of Southern’s student body, saying this is a serious issue, and someone could really get hurt.

So, naturally, I decided to write a humor column about it.

At first, I didn’t believe the paranoia of students. Personally, I’ve never been close to getting hit, except at night while crossing the street under a giant street light that hangs directly over the crosswalk, so no normal person with mild to moderate vision could possibly miss.

I decided to do a little research on the subject. I walked around campus, back and forth, seeing if cars would stop for me as I crossed.

I was amazed at how many cars didn’t stop.

Let’s keep in mind I, a mere newspaper guy, intent on bringing you, the three students who read my column, the truth about hard hitting news on campus, such as male bathroom behavior, am putting my very life on the line by dodging cars that can be going as fast as eight miles an hour.

I’ve concluded one out of every three cars, either neglected to slow down for me, didn’t see me or tried to hit me.

So, this means, according to my research, if you’re walking from the parking lot by the stadium to Hearnes Hall, you will likely be hit by a car.

So, I took this information to my friend Dan. Dan is, statistically, the worst driver I know. Dan was appalled to hear the results from my research, seeing as how he’s always stopped for pedestrians while driving on Southern’s campus.

I also talked to my friend Gary. Gary almost hit me while I was walking across a crosswalk, and blames the students.

“It’s the student’s fault,” Gary said.

I thought Gary was being irrational and insensitive.

“Stop being irrational and insensitive,” I told him.

Clearly, Gary thought students should be more careful about crossing the street on campus.

Personally, I have a better idea.

Crosswalk Safety Plan:

First we put up some concrete dividers on each side of every crosswalk.

I personally guarantee we will see a significant decline in crosswalk traffic accidents.

You’re probably thinking, “What are the cars’ driving through campus going to do?”

Personally, I think they will stop.