Growing up in Joplin, I know just how dangerous the streets of this volatile metropolis can be.

One would think that a place of higher education such as Missouri Southern would be above all the gang violence and terrorism that has taken over the city. Apparently, that would be a premature assumption.

Criminals have seemingly infiltrated campus, but every student can rest assured that their educational experience won’t be affected. We can now expect the Department of Public Safety to protect us. After all, they’ve now got guns.

That’s right. Some of the same DPS officers who are so often accused of complete and utter incompetence and ineptitude are now gleefully carrying deadly weapons.

Surely this is a good step, though, right? I mean, giving the DPS guns will allow security at MSSU to finally take that step to the next level, right?

Our fine men in uniform are now 100 percent capable of ensuring that each and every one of us can work toward our diplomas without the worries of kidnappings, drive-by shootings, and terrorist attacks.

And this couldn’t have come at a better time. While browsing around the interwebs, I actually stumbled upon a government intelligence report suggesting Missouri Southern was a likely candidate for the next big terrorist attack on American soil.

Normally, this would terrify me. Then I remembered that I had nothing to worry about, what with DPS taking care of me and all.

Now, I know those of you reading this are probably thinking, “Alright, we’ve picked up on the sarcasm you’ve laid on oh-so-thick, but this is a serious issue. What about the possibility of a shooter on campus?”

Let’s explore that thought a little. If a shooter did show up on campus, it would likely be the biggest travesty in the history of MSSU (with the possible exception of the hated rec. center fee), but maybe – just maybe – DPS officers could use their guns to subdue such an attack. That’s a nice thought that really puts my mind at ease.

Let’s just hope the would-be shooter doesn’t show up during a DPS smoke break.