I’m going to hell.

I know this likely isn’t a surprise to most of you. Hell, it isn’t even really a surprise to me considering how many felonies I seriously considered committing over the weekend.

But just in case you didn’t know if I – or anyone else, for that matter – is going to Hell, all you had to do was be on campus Tuesday to find out.

Missouri Southern’s favorite parasite, Brother Matt, was on campus again this week, and he brought with him his usual rants and controversy. And of course, DPS was there with its camera to record every second of his visit.

Someone finally told me the reason: apparently this guy makes his living from calling people all kinds of terrible things, then suing them when he gets assaulted.

Now, coming from someone who has seriously contemplated some form of assault nearly every day for a week, I think that’s a joke. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized it’s not a half bad idea. Sure, it makes you look like a coward if you press charges for getting punched a couple times – especially when you deserve it – but when you factor in how much money you could actually make, it seems like a pretty lucrative business.

Now, I’m not saying that Brother Matt is right. I’m not even saying he should be honored in some way. What I’m saying is that you’ve got to give the guy some credit for finding a pretty effective way to make a living. His business plan puts him on the same level as drug dealers and bookies, and from what I understand, those guys make pretty good money.

What a great country we live in, huh? We really do offer opportunities for everyone to make a buck. Even when all they do is call people fornicators and masturbaters.

For the record, he called me a masturbater. I’ll admit, I got a little upset about it. But instead of punching him, I simply went home and played a little flute solo.