I’ve been wondering something lately. Our University, which sends its students all over the world, a university in which a large number of faculty have Ph.D.’s, a university that hosts one of the largest piano competitions in the world, how is it that we neglect an important part of our culture and cleanliness? Why do we forget to flush the toilets?

There is only one thing I can think of that could possibly warrant a “no-flush” – pride. Some people, for some reason, wish to share their bodily function with everyone else. In the dozens of urinals I’ve used, I have not seen a urinary feat that could be deemed unflushable.

It’s not a hard thing to do. The toilets do actually flush. I’ve seen kids in our bathroom who have flushed. One kid, who I’ll call “Billy,” flushed all of the toilets when he was in the bathroom. He wasn’t even tall enough to use the urinal. He had to arc it (any guy who has been to Chiefs game knows what I’m talking about). We should all try and be like Billy (arcing optional).

Bathroom behavior, as a whole, is out of whack. Males don’t talk to each other in the bathroom. They stare ahead, keep to themselves and leave. The only real male bathroom communication is “the nod.” For those of you unaware of the nod (women), it is a small vertical movement of the head, saying, “Hey man, what’s up? I want to say something, but because we’re in the bathroom, people might think weird things about me.” The other male responds with another nod, meaning “Yeah, I know. I’m OK. Talk to me outside.”

Women, from what I understand, love to talk in the bathroom. They go in in packs, like Boy Scouts. They go to the bathroom even when they don’t have to go. I know this because women will openly admit this when they’re going with the pack. Maybe there’s a secret female bathroom club men have no idea about.

Women can often be seen coming out of the bathroom laughing. This is a big no-no in the male bathroom community. Doing so could be taken as a severe challenge to somebody’s manhood.

Another thing I’ve noticed about guys in the bathroom is their reluctance to wash their hands. I don’t understand this. Their hands have just been on the most objectionable part of their body. Why not wash? One instructor has told me when I see someone leave the bathroom without washing his hands, I should pee on his leg. Even if I did that, I would wash my hands afterward.

So, as a message to bathroom users everywhere, please flush, wash your hands, and guys, respect the nod.