I’m back from foreign lands. What foreign lands, you ask? Well, I was in Croatia. Your response, I’m sure, is the same response everyone else’s.

“I want to go to Croatia. Where is Croatia?”

No, Croatia is not a cheap Mexican beer, Croatia is a country in Eastern Europe.

I was there for a Student Voice Conference, which is a convention where journalists go to get free pens.

So, in the spirit of expanding Croatian culture and to brag about going on vacation while everyone else was in school, here are some facts about Croatia.

Language: Croatians speak Croatian, which is like Russian, Italian and Greek, in that I can’t understand any of them.

Transportation: Croatia is in Europe, meaning it is the law that they drive as fast as they can on very narrow roads with a cliff on one side. All road signs are easy to understand. Most were pictures, like a car being knocked off a cliff by falling rocks. Now they’re speaking my language.

Television: While in another country, I usually don’t like to sit around and watch television. I did, however, see “Walker, Texas Ranger” in Croatian. I’m glad to see Chuck Norris is touching lives around the world.

Nightlife: Croatian nightlife isn’t very exciting, unless you’re an underage American, which means you can stand around and drink beer. For everyone else, it’s basically standing around, drinking beer.

Croatian Math: Beer plus 80’s music equals bad dancing.

Croatian Dancing: White people in Europe can’t dance either. In fact, they’re much worse, which made me look even better.

Food: Croatian food is like American food, in that you eat it. A difference is before you eat it, your food may be staring back at you. Other than that, they eat normal stuff, like squid and frog.

Bathrooms: Good news and bad news here. The bad news is the toilets are low-flow. The good news is these toilets are so powerful they could probably flush a bowling ball.

People: Like Americans, Croatians don’t like pooping in public bathrooms. Don’t ask me how I came across this information.

Swimwear: Europeans men love speedos. Croatia is no exception. Enough said.

Shopping: What better way to delve into another culture than by buying T-shirts and necklaces that say, “I love Croatia?”

Time difference: Croatia is seven hours ahead of Joplin, meaning upon my return, I had some serous jet lag. I’ve been going to bed around 8 p.m. and waking up around 4 a.m. I’ve been spending my mornings watching, oddly enough, “Walker, Texas Ranger.” For some reason unbeknownst to me, it’s better in Croatian.

There you go, Croatia in a humor column. I would like to thank the Institute of International Studies for making this possible and the people of Croatia, for making fun of me in their native language so I wouldn’t feel bad.

So long, Croatia, and thanks for all the free pens.