What’s with young drivers today? I’m asking this question because right now, as I write, I’m behind one. He’s going so slow I have time to take out a computer, write a column and watch the entire first season of ” 24″.

So, what’s really the deal? Let me fill you in.

Sixteen-year-olds are not allowed to drive with their hands touching the steering wheel. Doing so would mean someone would see them, take a picture and put it on the news and all of their friends would see it and deem them “uncool” for driving like a regular person.

Thus, they are forced to drive with their wrists, leaving their hands limp over the steering wheel for everyone to see.

Teenagers these days also have bad backs. I feel sorry for them, because they’re forced to tilt their seat way, way back so all that can be seen of them is the tip of their hat, turned slightly to one side, in case any news crews are watching.

Teens sometimes have to have the nice car; by nice car I mean some sort of Honda with a six-foot spoiler on the back and huge chrome wheels. All the windows have to have a super dark tint, then rolled all the way down, even if it’s winter in Alaska.

Some teens don’t have the resources to buy a Honda. So, instead they buy a vintage automobile. When someone says vintage, they mean “old and doesn’t work very well.”

These cars usually have no muffler, the hood, the doors, the body and bumper are all different colors and the windshield is usually held together with duct tape. It actually looks like something MacGyver would make while trying to escape from guys with guns.

A must for any teenage car is a sound system that plays only bass. Bass is the only thing that matters in a sound system.

The preferred system is one that when played, even at the very lowest of it’s levels, makes the turning signals not work.

The nice-car teens must show off their cars, so as a rule they can’t drive faster than 15 miles per hour. Vintage-car people feel their cars will look just as nice. . . if they’re going about 150 miles an hour.

So, we have to put up with it, the slow driving, the loud music, the disabled turn signals – at least until they are able to grip the steering wheel.