Lately, and by lately I mean the last four years, I’ve heard countless people across campus complain about tuition prices. So for those four years, I’ve worked tirelessly at a system that would ensure every student would pay only $5 for tuition.

“Wow. Can this plan get any better?” you ask. Well, it would also include a free meal at the Lions’ Den.

You’re probably thinking, “That’s not possible. A free meal at the Lions’ Den? Where do I go to hear more about this amazing deal?”

Here it is:

First, you would only pay $5 per semester for your tuition.

“But where does all the money come from?” you ask.

Simple, student fees.

As you’re all aware, students pay fees ranging from activity fees, to parking fees to ugly green and white fence divider-thing on Duquesne Road fees. My plan would add a few more, of course, for the good of the University.

First, I would institute long walk parking fee: $176,548. This is for students who feel the need to park their car in the main lot then go all the way to the library, Reynolds Hall or Taylor Hall when there’s a huge lot behind the both of them. Revenues generated from this fee would be roughly $2,058,857.

We would also enact the unnecessary elevator use fee: $44,512. This fee is for traditional students who have legs and are perfectly capable of walking up the stairs but feel the need to wait for the slow elevator and hold up people who actually have to use it.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “What about the extended computer use fee?”

Sorry, the guy sitting on the computer playing that game where you see how far you can hit the penguin with the bat will stay there as long as he wants, because he paid his fee of $865,578. With the money generated from this fee, Southern will be able to build a new recreation center and hire Jerry Seinfeld for the opening.

Last but not least, I would impose a tax on school bus parking. For every school bus bringing a load of children to run around our halls while we’re still in class, our school would get $22,956. A small discount will be given on days we don’t have classes.

So, there you go. Southern at $5 a semester. Look for this plan to be implemented in the near future. Of course, these fees are strict estimates, and may change, depending on the strength of the yen.