This week, I’ve decided to give you a brief history of my life, mainly because I’m busy with senior assessment day and, for the next several days, my computer will be downloading Windows Service Pack 2. Enjoy.

It was a hot and humid August night. My mother was pregnant with twins and in a hospital bed for what she said were “several days of labor.”

To this day, we’re not sure exactly what day I was born on, but I did come out upside down and backward.

I was already sending a message to the world.

In my younger days, I was infamous for wearing my Superman costume under my clothes everywhere I went.

Afraid I might try and fly out second-story bedroom window, family friends advised my parents to discourage my interest in Superman.

Never wanting to curb my imagination, my mother simply confronted me with the issue. I assured her I would never try to fly “in case my powers took a day off.”

I guess I’ve always lived in a Walter Mitty-esque world. My kindergarten teacher told my mother I was her first student in 30 years of teaching to bring a lightsaber to class.

I was short for my age, which made it easier for older kids to lock me inside my locker. I didn’t get taller in junior high, which made it easier for younger kids to lock me inside my locker.

I moved to Joplin just before I started high school. I realized I didn’t have enough aggravation in my life, so I decided to start playing golf. I took a job at Range Line Golf Center driving the tractor up and down the driving range. I was 16 and already a Bud Light Real American Hero.

I started college when I was 17. Under the advice of my high school French teacher, I chose French as my major, as if she would have advised me to go into anything else.

After a year, I decided I wanted to go into communications, which meant I had to choose between TV or print media. I chose print mainly because I was told I have a “face for newspaper.”

I’m currently engaged and plan to get rich quick from the Bob Carlton real-estate method, retire at age 28 and live in a big house with a white picket fence with two kids, a dog and a Volvo.