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Though the calendar would have us believe we have just finished the second week of the spring semester, that wise and trusted timekeeper would be incorrect. Secretly, the fall semester hasn’t ended yet.

In the midst of the joys that were the second annual ice storm, the early bill payment system and everyone’s favorite new software program (aka Banner) we are waiting, much like Schrödinger’s cat, to see if the poison has killed us. Yes, we at Missouri Southern are both alive and dead.

However, after we fight our way through the angered masses, the pile of grade change slips and all the angry phone calls from students who mysteriously no longer appear in the system, who is the real culprit? Who has pinched our virtual cookie jar?

Most of us are well aware that for the past two weeks the phrase “Damn Banner” has been a staple around our campus and if given a choice most would be more than happy to take the system back behind the woodshed and shoot it. Over the amazing ride that has been the last two weeks, I’ve heard the following.

“Banner won’t let me do that,”

“I can’t help you, Banner says you’re not a student here,”

Next I’m expecting to hear that Banner will begin giving direct orders to the masses in their sleep, or slowly infiltrate all technology so as to control our minds. However, last time I checked Haley Joel Osment was not a student here and A.I. had not taken over Southern, so Banner should still be in the control of the user. Am I correct?

While the delight that has been early bill payment is an issue I will not even go near in this column, I would like to share a few wonderful stories about our beloved Banner and those that operate it.

Student X spent the greater part of last semester arranging her transfer to Southern, despite the fact she had all the confirmations on her transcripts, and all her receipts only to find that when she arrived here, Banner had succeeded in doing just that. ‘Ban-her’ from the system. She was told she didn’t exist and they’d never heard of her. She transferred to Pitt State.

Student Y who paid all fees out of pocket, tuition, room and board, just to make sure she didn’t get dropped when the date rolled around. Clearly we need a large canvas ‘banner’ strung across campus telling us how to use this software, it took almost a week for the system to find that check. In the meantime she was dropped from all her classes, and lost her financial aid.

Student Z spent the greater majority of last semester arguing with various offices as to why his financial aid had simply disappeared into thin air. I can’t think of a clever pun to go with this one so I’ll tell you that he transferred schools and is reading this at the beach, laughing at us all.

Students X, Y and Z, are, or should I say were, all actual students here. It is my hope that where they are, they are having more success in the acquisition of an education than they had here.

To all our academic advisers who have wasted full days just trying to get students reenrolled, we thank you. To all the department heads that have figured out how to cheat the system to keep their students from getting dropped after class cancellations, we thank you as well. To all those students who have been dropped and are taking your dollars to Pittsburg State, Crowder, or even worse not taking them anywhere at all, let’s hope we all don’t end up under the same ‘banner’ next semester.