Seeking ‘lady friend,’ criteria below

Nathan Mills

This may come as a surprise to all of you considering my abundant charm and charisma, but my girlfriend broke up with me a couple weeks ago.

Now before all of you reading this start Facebook stalking me, let me stop you right there and tell you that there is actually a bit of an application process.

Yes, you understood that correctly – an application. In recent weeks, I’ve given a lot of thought to the subject, and I’ve determined three very essential attributes of a quality woman. Mind you, this is in no way a concrete list and is relevant to me and me only at this moment.

First, let me make it very clear that I don’t particularly mind what type of music you listen to. Yes, I can deal with Lady Gaga, and I’ve even been known to hit the dance floor for Miley Cyrus now and again.

However, if you’re going to make me listen to your awful music, then you should put up with listening to mine. I like a little screaming in my tunes now and again, and to me that’s no different than hearing Kelly Clarkson go on about how her life sucks without whoever it is she was talking about.

Pretty simple, right? Well the list goes on.

Sex it up now and again. Now before you all get upset, don’t think I’m telling you to get all nasty. Nobody wants that. It’s annoying, and everyone knows you can’t turn a ho into a housewife.

However, spice it up just a little bit. Specifically, I’m saying you should wear a different kind of underwear now and again.

Is this creepy? Maybe, but it’s nothing more than the age-old element of surprise now and again. As do most people, I love surprises. The undie situation is no different. Like “Frank the Tank” in Old School, I wonder what’s going on with that whole situation.

Is it basic cotton? Maybe a thong? Or did you throw me a curveball and get something I didn’t even know existed? I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell excited to find out. Don’t take that surprise away from me. Whatever you choose, though, make sure you can pull it off.

And finally, please understand that men’s brains and women’s brains are complete opposites. I often find myself, when riding in a car, simply staring at the other cars as they pass.

In my mind, all I’m thinking is, “That car is nice.” Allow me to have that thought. Don’t start in with, “What are you thinking about?” Definitely don’t ask me that if you won’t believe me when I give you an honest reply of, “Nothing.”

When this conversation happens, don’t push further. Our brains just don’t work the same, and you’ve got to accept the fact that I literally have nothing on my mind other than what’s going on at that exact moment.

The only things I ever think about that aren’t happening in the moment are the beer or food I’ll have later. That’s it, and you’ve got to be alright with that.

So you’ve read the list, and you know what I’m looking for. If you feel like you meet the qualifications, then feel free to get in touch with me any way you can. Facebook stalking, as mentioned earlier, is acceptable. You can even leave me a cute little comment with your phone number on The Chart’s Web site.

Just know that, according to my mother, you’ll be getting your hands on a “prince” that no woman deserves. Anything anyone else tells you about me is a lie.