Funny Thing About Life

David Haut

David Haut

David Haut

I was trying to be a nice guy. I was sacrificing my very dignity for the sake of a woman. She wanted me to buy her tampons. What in life could be more humbling, or humiliating?

She told me what she wanted. I thought I could remember: it seemed simple enough. Besides, if I wrote it down it could potentially be some evidence I did this.

I had no idea how complex these products are. I had made a conscious effort to stay away from that aisle my entire life.

There I stood. I had never seen so many pastel-colored boxes before. They have extra-thin and dry weave. Some have cardboard, others are plastic, a few have pearl. There are dailies, super, extra-super, extra-thin, extra-wide, lites, super-lites, ultra-lites and mid-nites.

There are big ones and small ones. Some look like diapers, some look like Dr. Scholl’s. Some have wings, others just glide.

They have Kotex, Playtex, Tampax, Brand-x. Boxes are pink, blue, yellow, purple. They don’t have a regular or normal. One option is everyday protection. Who wants to be ‘protected’ some of the time? They come with more options than my Honda.

Some are designed for comfort, although, I don’t see how someone could be comfortable in anything like that.

The lady working in the department kept walking past the aisle, each time looking in at me, probably hoping I would leave.

I chose a box (ones that were super-mega-ultra and had an “x” in the title) and took it up to the counter.

I tried my best to hide the box of feminine products I was carrying while walking down the main aisle of Wal-Mart.

The guy in front of me was cashing his paycheck. There I was, standing at the checkout at Wal-Mart in front of a counter with a big box of Playtex in the middle. Everyone walking in could see. That box did not provide ME with the extreme protection it promised on the front of the box.

After all that, I wasn’t even close.

Guys, this is probably an experience you probably want to miss. Believe me. I don’t think a single guy is comfortable doing what I did.

All the Tampax in the world can’t make you feel secure enough.