Funny Thing About Life

David Haut

David Haut

David Haut

A friend of mine locked her keys in her car. We could have just called security and had the problem solved in perhaps a couple of minutes. But why? Because no man passes up the opportunity to be MacGyver.

I pulled up to her car, searching through mine for items that could perhaps be useful. I found an earpiece for my cell phone, a Swiss Army knife and a Slinky.

Naturally, I used the Slinky, because I wanted to tell people I unlocked a car door with a Slinky, and because that’s what MacGyver would do.

It took about five minutes to get the door unlocked. Of course, if I had one arm tied to the axle, a mullet and a bomb strapped to my leg, I probably could have done it in three.

Men love that stuff. Give us a ball of twine, a Zippo lighter and a Swiss Army knife, and we can fix a broken airplane wing. We use chewing gum as a perfectly acceptable adhesive. We know any solvent can explode, everything metal is a tool, and there are enough parts in a telephone to build a rocket ship. (Come on, it’s not brain surgery).

Toothpicks are projectiles, lock picks, fuses and detonators. A strip of Duct Tape can spell the difference between victory and defeat. No amount of time is too small, no idea too big and no common household item goes to waste.

Broken bikes become Ford Mustangs, pop cans can fix lawnmowers and shattered mirrors can unlock the secrets of the universe.

We use eggs to fix car engines, steaks as safety gloves and chocolate bars to fix nuclear leaks.

For some people, it was a show in the ’80s. For guys like me, it was a reality.

I still remember how to make a signal flare from a ski pole and massive fireball from common household cleaners. Where else could you learn how to make a blowtorch out of a wheelchair?

It’s sad nothing ever works out like it did on that show. Most guys think they’re MacGyver, they’re actually Tim Taylor. We brag about opening car doors with Slinkys, but still put metal in the microwave, following both up with a deep throated grunt or exasperated “uh-oh.”

Deep down, every man is a MacGyver, whether his dental floss is mint or cinnamon.

So, if you have anything to fix, a car door to open or a top-secret government mission to save the world, don’t forget your eyeglasses, Duct Tape and Slinky. They may save your life, or at least open a car door.