Today’s topic: Beer and breast enlargement.

I’ve never really understood the fascination with drinking. It’s expensive, it stinks and it inhibits the pee function. Recently I conducted an unofficial poll, asking students of all ages why they like to drink. Of the answers I got back, 99.9 percent were, “it’s cool.”

Yeah, so was Don Johnson’s haircut.

Mass beer consumption rates right up there with flushing toilets and rolling down car windows. It’s not a sport, but most men can make one out of it.

Here are some actual questions I asked people about drinking (note, some may have been drinking at the time):

Q: Why do you drink so much beer?

A: Monday.

Q: Do you think alcohol impairs your judgment?

A: I wear Nikes.

Q: What is your favorite thing to do when drinking?

A: Drink.

I am not an alcohol activist; I don’t find anything wrong with drinking, unless you drive a car, semi, forklift, combine or backhoe.

On to the second question: this one’s for the ladies. Why do you feel the need to get bigger breasts? Seriously, if your boobs are a problem, do you really want to make the problem bigger?

It’s clear that women want guys to look at them when they wear low-rise jeans and a shirt that covers approximately 2 percent of their body, rounding up. You know, if you put on clown pants and a sombrero and ran up and down Range Line screaming, people would look at you too.

Women need to know that there is nothing wrong with their bodies. If all a guy wants is fake boobs, have him get them. I know one guy who would never leave the house if he had a pair.

Do these things go hand in hand? Does breast enlargement lead to drinking? Or worse, does drinking lead to breast enlargement?