Well, I’m engaged. That’s right. For all of you out there who didn’t think I would ever find someone, you’re wrong. And some of you owe me five bucks.

Seriously, I really am engaged to a girl named Emily who is gorgeous, smart and always remembers to flush.

So, since I’ve already taken this step, you can totally assume I’m well informed of the subject matter and know exactly what I’m doing.

Getting engaged is serious business, and by serious business, I mean serious for the business men who have booming businesses because of your business. (The average cost of an engagement ring is now $474,349. Source: some bridal magazine.)

Therefore, I’ve decided to assist all you men out there who have problems buying an engagement ring.

Here’s what I did:

I started out by buying a ring that was approximately the size of a small island, only it was way more expensive.

If you’re wondering about diamonds, they’re classified by weight, size, cut, color and clarity. Aside from the size, the rest of these classifications are just ways for jewelers to take more of your money. For someone to actually distinguish the difference between two diamonds, they would have to look really close. So close, in fact, they would probably poke their eye out, which would make the price of the diamond go up approximately $6543.

Now that you have your ring, and hopefully two eyes, you must start on the proposal.

If you’re going for the element of surprise, nothing says I love you, will you marry me more than surprise. For this, I highly recommend lying.* (Hey ladies, we’re doing it for love.)

Now that you’re engaged, your fiancée will probably enlist in the help of several bridal magazines, all with engagement rings far more glamorous and expensive then the one you gave her. This is why it has become tradition for guys to buy their fiancee’s another ring, known as the wedding band. And, for all of our trouble, us guys get one, too.

As for planning a wedding, that’s another column.

Editors note: November is still give your University humor columnist a dollar month, and one newly engaged humor columnist may need it, just so you know.

*Just kidding, I love you, Emily.