Funny Thing About Life…

David Haut - Managing Editor

David Haut – Managing Editor

David Haut

Well, you’ve almost done it. The semester is over and all you have left are those lousy finals. For some of you, that means an end to all of your excessive studying. For the rest of you, you’re wondering what illness to fake this year.

While I and many others have heard about and understood the correlation between studying and good grades, you have no doubt have been busy doing other holiday things like drinking eggnog or perhaps praying for a blizzard.

So, as your loyal newspaper columnist, I’ve put together a small finals survival guide to aid you in your pursuit for mediocrity.

(This column is in no way a substitute for actual studying. However, I fully support those of you who, in your free time, are praying for a blizzard.)

Long paper: At one time or another, we’re going to face a long paper in our college career. We usually see those students in the library on the last day of the semester printing out a 300-page paper on conservation. The fact is most college students don’t like long papers because, well, they’re long. So, here are a few ways that I can think of that help you beef up a paper.

For example, the word “that.” I’ll show you.

Bob said that that much wood was enough to make a house as big as that one. That’s the wood that they used to build that arc. That’s crazy.

(You can also use the word “that” to beef up newspaper humor columns.)

True or False: Back in grade school, true or false questions were made to help our deductive reasoning. True or false: The cow goes moo.

Now that we’re older, our teachers and professors want to make it as hard as possible for us to discern true from false.

True or false: The bos Taurus or bovine, emits a grunting noise in the form of a sigh, often indicating to others animals of its species it is happy, sad, hungry, wet, tired or pregnant.

It’s a 50-50 chance that you’re right, here. This one or that one. That’s up to you.

Multiple Choice: Again, when we were younger, these questions were easy.

Apples come from: a) a tree b) a bee c) banana d) Mrs. Smith

Now, they’re much harder.

Apples come from: a) magnus holmus b) playmus catalus c) pyrus malus d) electrus mosius.

Yeah, you should really study. That would be your best bet.

Essay: Students usually hate essay questions. This is because there are no odds that can help them. My advice is to use as many big words as you can.

For example: What are the major components of communism in the retail industry.

The retail industry is a plethora of subordinate consumer hierarchy relative to the bourgeoisie anti-disestablishmentarianism movement in the ’50s.

That’s awesome.

So remember all of that, and study all that you can.

Did you get that?