Funny Things About Life…

David Haut

I must confess; I have a TV obsession. It’s not “The Apprentice” or “American Idol.” (I know, you probably think I’m part of some sort of weird religious cult or part of some distant planet who is just now receiving the TV signals for the first season of “The Bachelor.”)

No, I am addicted to The WB’s series, “Smallville”. It’s about a teenage Clark Kent and how he gets all of his powers and saves the same people from almost the same situation in every episode. Honestly, I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, the fact that I like the show, or the fact that the show is on the WB.

If you’re not familiar with the WB, here’s what it’s all about:

1. Every actor on the show must be extremely attractive, even the guy who plays the garbage man.

2. In the event that someone ugly gets on the show, he or she must die before the end of the episode.

3. Actors, regardless of Oscar or Golden Globe awards or nominations, must not display acting skills of any kind.

“Smallville” has all of these wonderful qualities. Plus, each episode features at least one actor spouting out an extremely cheesy line while keeping a straight face, such as: “Your dad put you in a mental institution and fried your brain,” or “you can take your job and shove it down your $1,000 pants.” Does television get any better than that? I don’t think so.

Every episode is essentially the same in that something strange happens to one of two girls in “Smallville” and Clark and his friend Chloe use their computer to figure it out in one instant without ever having to download Windows Service Pack 2.

The story line every week is actually just like “Lassie”, only with superpowers.

I guess I can’t help but like it. I’ve been addicted to Superman ever since I was young. For my birthday one year, one of my relatives bought me an authentic Superman costume, which, like the ones in the movies, was super tight (it was also the ’80s).

I used to wear my Superman costume under my clothes. I once wore a suit over my costume to a kindergarten class, just in case someone stole the glue.

I vowed never to wear my costume to school again, because although I had super strength, I was still hot.

I wouldn’t wear another Superman costume to school ever again, unless you count the year where I went as Superman for Halloween, and had to wear my red underpants on the outside of my costume.

Anyway, if you’re interested, “Smallville” is on The WB on Wednesdays. It’s the one with the pretty people and superpowers.