Social awkwardness plagues editor

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am socially awkward. It’s more like socially awkward situations seem to stalk me like a tiger waiting for the right moment to pounce on its unsuspecting prey.

For the socially awkward man, these situations are to be avoided at all costs:

1) The Locker Room

For the socially awkward man a trip to the locker room is about as enticing as trip to the vet is for a dog.

 The mission is to get in, change, and get out as fast as humanly possible all while staring at the floor; each visit trying to decrease the amount of “no pants time” to mere seconds.  

Panic sets in as a friendly gym patron decides to casually disrobe next to you. Despite your best efforts to look unwaveringly focused on changing he starts up a conversation.

You look over to acknowledge the voice only to realize that you’ve just unwittingly turned your head into an eye full of male genitalia.

Eyes back to the floor; you keep the conversation painfully brief and run out of locker room feeling dirty and ashamed.

2)  Hello again

This scenario may seem benign to the well adjusted man, but to the socially awkward individual it has all the signs of catastrophic mental melt down in the making.

Your walking down a grocery isle at your local Wal-Mart, you lock eyes with an acquaintance, give them a generic head nod of acknowledgement and superficial “How’s it going?”

After some short dialog the transaction is over and you part ways.

 That is until 10 minutes later when your paths cross again and mother destiny wants to give you, a nervous breakdown.  

As you head toward each other in the same isle your mind races to come up with something witty to say. “Hey long time no… (he opts to ignore you) …your witty comment trails off to silence as your eyes dart toward a can of green olives.

You grab the can and throw it in your cart. With your head down you quickly push your cart to the nearest empty isle to cry.

3) The butt or crotch

To most people a trip to the movies seems like an enjoyable evening; however, for the socially awkward man it can be a buffet of uncomfortable encounters.

Its opening night and the theatre is packed. After standing in line for concessions you stumble into an awkward dilemma. The only available seats are sprinkled between pairs of couples and groups of friends.

With popcorn and soda in hand you locate a route and entry point that involves squeezing past the fewest number of people.

As you approach your row you debate between sliding your butt or crotch across the span of five people.

Just as you’re about to slide past the first person your brain self destructs from the stress of the decision and you plow straight on into the stranger, spilling your popcorn.

In a panic you alternate between butt, crotch and hips before arriving to an empty seat where you collapse in a crumpled heap of embarrassment and  attempt to regain some amount of male pride you claim to have. Oh and eat your popcorn.