Funny Thing About Life: Colds function as body’s yearly revenge for abuse

David Haut

David Haut

David Haut

“I hed a code.”

That’s the only thing that came out of my mouth this morning. I woke up not breathing out of my nose; it’s a wonder I didn’t die of asphyxiation during the night.

When you have a cold, nothing works right. Everything is all screwed up. My throat was sore, so I got a drink. That made my ear hurt. I cleaned it out, which made my nose run. I blew my nose, which made my head hurt.

I think having a cold is your body’s way of paying you back for all the things you did to it the previous year.

That’s why you get it every year and there’s no cure for it. I also think it wants you to eat healthy for a change, which is why we always eat chicken soup.

Anyway, I did what everybody does when they get a cold, go to the pharmacy. Now, in this day and age, with pharmaceuticals becoming more and more evident, my goal is to get in and out of the drugstore without having

to provide a urine sample.

I stood in front of the cold aisle, eyes half shut, nose running, mouth hanging open, looking for the most effective medicine at, of course, the lowest price.

I was quick to choose a medicine, I wanted to avoid any unfriendly confrontations with the drugstore personnel, and took it to the counter thinking I was home free.

Boy was I wrong. All I wanted was some quick-acting nasal decongestant with added “dexyphohydron.” That’s all. Apparently that didn’t sound so good to the lady behind the counter.

She looked at me as if I had just insulted her mother.

“You sick?” she asked, unapologetically.

I stared back at her, trying to keep the snot off my chin.

“You got an I.D.?” she asked, as if I were a 15 year-old kid trying to buy beer.

“Ao you therious?” I replied in my poor condition.

Not wanting to argue, I handed her my driver’s license, coincidentally with the hand I had just wiped my nose .

Finally, some relief. Now, because the common cold has no real cure, cold medicines just make you “feel good.”

I’ve had a cold for four days now, which means I’ve been “feeling good” for three.

Soon my body will return full control of itself back over to me for another year’s worth of abuse. Personally, I can’t wait to talk normal again.