This is your handy list on how to fit in with Christians and to out-Jesus the competition.

Not only is America majority-Christian as a nation but there has recently been a large religious revival. This came mainly due to events like 9-11 and the movie The Passion of the Christ. This may be extremely useful for those who deem it necessary to spend vast amounts of time in areas like the Bible belt but come from areas with a temperance toward cappuccino drinking and kabala.

No. 1 on the list is merchandising, merchandising and more merchandising. Since we all know Christ was a big fan of material goods, you’ll need everything from mugs, bumper stickers, a Jesus fish for your car, to the official nail from The Passion.

Step two: learning about the new Jesus, Mel Gibson and his movie The Passion.

The Passion is more than a movie putting together years of anti-Semitic plays into Hollywood form, it is much more. It is an experience and whenever talking about it you should stare off into thin air and repeat “Mel Gibson is a great man” several times while holding your official The Passion nail necklace.

Step number three: Jesus was a Republican and the first step here is you’re going to have to purchase another bumper sticker. Remember the Lord wants republicans elected so all actions taken for that make you more Christian. I know you may not feel this but, as the majority, you are being persecuted by those Democrats who wish to stop you from establishing a theocracy.

After all is it really freedom of religion in America when you can’t force people of all religions to read your holy books in public school? I think not.

Step number four: using Jesus in your everyday language. Remember G-d(sic) finds it terribly important how many times you say Jesus in your life. This will help you get a much better parking spot in heaven, and I’m talking like right next to the handicapped spots. For example, instead of saying “This Coke tastes good,” say, “Praise Jesus, this Coke tastes good, by the will of Jesus.”

I hope this easy to follow list on how to fit in with Christians was helpful to you. So next Christmas when your thinking about buying candy canes or watching The Passion keep in mind the real meaning of Christmas – keeping Jews off golf courses.

Evan Colitz

Freshman Sociology Major